Are you ready???

Look, just because we didn't know we were living through the tribulation for the last 23 years, doesn't mean it didn't happen. I mean, when you think about it, a lot of pretty bad stuff has happened. There was hurricane Katrina, PB oil spill, Tsunamis and earthquakes... AND, I broke my pinky toe last year and that REALLY hurt.

Everybody knows the earth was created on May 21, 11,006 BC. It says so right on the website. And if you would just use your logical deduction skills, and do the math you would CLEARLY see that the rapture is scheduled for 6:00 p.m. tomorrow. That's 5:00 p.m. Pacific Standard, because as we all know, God was on the American 8-5 work schedule.

And, those of you who think you ought to go out and party like it's 1999 tonight, might want to rethink your priorities. Is your house clean? Is your fridge emptied of all its expired foods? Have you cleaned out all the empty coffee cups and fast food wrappers out of your car? Well, you might want to. You don't want all the post apocalypse looters to think you were a slob when they come pillage your home now, do you?

Did I do everything on my bucket list? No. But I don't have enough time left to run a marathon and see baby sea turtles hatch in the Galapagos ilands AND vacuum the dog hair out of the intake vents.

Cheering me up

I'm down. Depressed. In the dumps. Whatever you want to call it, my feelings are not all warm and fuzzy. I'm okay with not feeling okay, for a while. It's probably healthy to experience short bouts of melancholy from time to time.... maybe. I dunno. I'm not a shrink, but I'll give that statement a 67% chance of being true. I'm also not a professional speculator (it's a real job, look it up), but I can live with the 33% chance that my statement could be untrue.

After that while, though, I get tired of feeling blechy, so I begin to put as much mental exertion as I can spare into figuring out how not to feel crappy.

I have learned there are a few ways to beat the blues. One of them is to count my blessings. I'm not really in a Tiny Tim kind of mood right this minute, so I'll take a pass on that one for now. Another way to feel better is to do something nice for someone else. You know, like send someone flowers, or end world hunger. An optimistic estimate of time for flower delivery is at least 18 hours, and I'd really prefer more instantaneous recompense. As for world hunger... well, if you're hungry right now, come over and I'll make you a sandwich.

But what else can fulfill my need for a rapid spirit boost? Well, here's what I've come up with. I will make a list of compliments. You choose one, or more, or all of them if you wish, and apply them to yourself. I feel that this is the fastest and most efficient way of getting the results I'm hoping to achieve. To wax poetic: My compliment gun is loaded with buckshot and you are the flock of penguins at which I take aim. And look, if you've got a problem with me shooting at penguins, well, we probably aren't very good friends.

Here goes:
1. Your hair looks nice.
2. I like bald heads.
3. Red hair suits you.
4. Brown hair suits you.
5. Your butt does not look big in those pants.
6. You are great at your job.
7. You didn't deserve to get fired from your job.
8. You have very neat handwriting.
9. You write like a doctor.
10. You smell nice right after you've showered and applied the deodorant/cologne/perfume that is compatible with your body chemistry.
11. I like your smile.
12. I appreciate your ability to find the humor in yourself when I am laughing at you.

And I mean each and every one of those from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for helping me cheer myself up.